In my last blog, I’ve mentioned how devastated I was when I received the phone call that I would not be able to get the key to my new home in another area in Edinburgh, just the working day before the transaction was due to take place. That weekend was long, emotional, filled with doubts and question marks as I was unsure about my next steps.
I remembered looking at my more than half-packed home, unable to make sense of what’s happened. Tradesmen were organised, moving company arranged, furniture was supposed to deliver the few days after I got the key….none of this would now take place.
I was supposed to move into my new home a few weeks before Christmas, so that I would be able to fully embrace the much-need seasonal spirits which were so needed after lockdown and the moving stress. I was supposed to move into my new aligned home and started creating the nursery of my child whom I was struggling to connect with.
I needed a home to settle so that I could have space, both physically and mentally, to experience my pregnancy wholeheartedly. I needed somewhere safe so that I could begin to figure out the kind of mother I wanted to be.
The wait was agonising and on the day I was supposed to get the key, more uncertainty arose. All I was told was that a council virtual inspection was organised at the property the seller was purchasing and it would further affect the transaction date. There wasn’t any update on when the title deeds, which seemed to be the cause of the delay, would arrive in Edinburgh.
To put it simply, there’s no certainty of the date that I could move in. All I could do was just wait.
On Monday after I talked to the solicitor, I called the tradesman and furniture companies one by one, rearranging, apologising - each call seemed to be a vivid reminder of how little control I had, each apology seemed to intensify how uncertain everything was.
The most pressing matter was to find an alternative accommodation, and also came up with a storage solution as we could not change our moving-out date. The most challenging thing was that we didn’t know how long we needed the temporary accommodation for.
It was as if I had no choice and no anchor to my own life.
I felt like I was acting on survival mode; making decisions that seemed to bring convenience and ease for the short term. I was hollow inside on that few days.
I needed an anchor, I needed to take control of the situation.
And then it dawned on me…I could pull out from the transaction because there’s nothing that’s legally bounded that’s why I needed to spend money from my own pocket to sort all the alternative arrangements. I was not protected legally. There was not a binding contract and that’s why even the seller was not fulfilling his side of the agreement, he does not have any legal responsibilities for the damages it brought me.
I felt so vulnerable.
I don’t think I have ever prayed so much in my life. Equally I don’t think I’ve ever questioned my faith and spirituality so much since I began my spiritual journey around 8 years ago.
I prayed for guidance and the guidance was always “healing” “fall into my arms” “trust”;
I didn’t get it at all, I was going to be homeless soon, how could I not take actions? How could I rest when things are affecting every single cell of mine?
When you think you’ve surrendered, you surrender more
I started to wonder if I was holding on to this transaction too tight and trying to control every single aspects of the move without allowing the Universe to work its wonders. I started to wonder whether that’s a wake up call for me to loosen my grip, in my work, in my pregnancy, in my home…I always felt that I need everything to work on perfectly according to plan so that I could really shine my light as a soul space creator; I needed to show the world that I could create aligned spaces beautifully effortlessly - and this disruption of my own immediate space just did not sit well.
When you think you've surrendered, you surrender more
Gabby Bernstein
I felt like if I couldn’t even control my own home, I could not show up as a soul space creator. I could not preach what I taught.
I’ve equated my identity to someone who constantly has an aligned, beautiful, soulful home
I have subconsciously created an image of the perfect soul space creator, who created space without obstacles, who moved from home to home effortlessly.
But that’s just an unattainable image I’ve created…it’s like those models with a perfect figure showing off their latest acquisition in 5 stars hotels.
It was just an image.
But I was so much more; I’m a multifaceted soul, I encounter obstacles and rise beautifully, I am a soul that’s experiencing humanness.That’s what I thought. It is all set. I just needed to go through with it..
And this experience is a lesson from the universe. It’s for my growth - although I couldn’t fathom what the purpose was. It was meant to happen
This realisation changed everything
I began to let go.
I began to see the obstacles happened because I need to grow, I needed to make changes to my life in preparation of motherhood as well as to better work my light as a soul space creator.
I was talking to my dear friend Tania from museflowerretreat. She has completely shifted my perspective; instead of seeing it as an obstacle, see it as a protection. When there’s rejection, it’s usually a protection.
When you think you have surrendered, you surrender more
I was so fixated on this single property that I didn’t let wonders happen. I was so concentrated on making the move an easy one I forgot that surprises are here to teach us lessons.
I was ready to let the property go. I was ready to just stay in the temporary Airbnb during this soul journey, even I don’t know when a more permanent abode would come
I meditated a lot over that weekend and the two days; finally, a clear answer surfaced.
Loosen your grip and trust. Trust it’s the correct property but do not be 100% fixated on it.
Love it but also let go of it.
I knew that what I needed is clarity instead of having no answer and no date. I would rather let go of the property than being held hostage in this endless chain.
I love it but I was ready to let it go. At the same time, I trusted that Universe has my back, that the Universe would provide me exactly what I need, what my family needs
I told the solicitor that I would let this property go if the transaction cannot be done on Friday that week. I needed to free myself from the endless doubts and uncertainties
Then I decided to let it go and surrender; whatever the outcome it was.
And I began to look for properties again on right move and espc
The realisation completely shifted my frequency and I felt a lot lighter. I no longer felt like I was another victim of the property chain but I was someone who made inspired and soulful actions that might be contrary to the original plan.
I was nervous, not knowing how long our temporary living situation was going to be. But I trusted.
And then the Universe responded that the seller accepted to make the transaction on Friday.
While I was excited and ecstatic about having clarity in my moving situation, part of me felt something was off. It was as if I could feel the seller’s overwhelming anger…
And I was right. On the day of the transaction, I walked past the property with my dog at around noon and saw the sellers loading their belongings onto the van and there seemed to be a lot more in the flat. I felt something was off; from my experience, the property would be more or less empty by noon to facilitate key drop-off and pick-up. I was panicking as I let my anxiety and fear mind overrode my trust in the universe; just a week ago I was told that the transaction needs to be delayed, and looking at the less-than-ready state of the property meant that I was nervous about the transaction would not take place.
I called my solicitor nervously and was told that I’d be able to get the key at 4:30pm. 4:30pm came and it wasn’t dropped off at the estate agent. I waited patiently and finally received a phone call at 5 and frantically drove to the estate agent. I almost could not believe that the key was finally on my hand.
I stood at the entrance of the property and already felt an unbearable heaviness.
Entering the flat, the property felt stuck, antagonistic and hostile.
As someone who’s so sensitive to surroundings and environment, it contained a lot more hostility than I originally envisioned,
and all I wanted to do was leave.
I almost wished I could have chosen a different one. However, I remembered that Universe always only gives you what you can handle….so I understood that it’s another lesson to learn….
And that’s perfecting my skills in energetically space clearing and something that I’ve been struggling for years..
Patience.
